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WAR DEPARTMENT 



SERVICE EDITION 



NUMBER 16 



,.^31 






MADIM BUDGET 

/PECIAU 

UNCLE /AM EDITION 

./or 

/0LMER/&/AILOR/ 



Dn/iyn eontriiuted 

"BEDjMacsou 



Copyright By James Madison 1918 



*<1 



«S 






WASHINGTON 

Commission on Training Camp Activities 
Department of Dramatic Activities Among the 

Soldiers. 
1818. 






**. 



^\4 



UNCLE SAM EDITION 

OF 

MADISON'S BUDGET 

by 

JAMES MADISON 

AUTHOR FOR Al Jolson, Frank 
Tinney, Nora Bayes, Howard and 
Howard, Rooney and Bent, Ben 
Welch, Hunting and Frances, 
Emma Carns,Elinore and Williams, 
Stuart Barnes, Cartmelland Harris, 
Fred Duprez, Morton and Glass, 
Doc O'Neill, Hamilton and Barnes, 
etc., etc. 



CI.A514752 ^ 



^vo *y 



JAN 22 \m 



S 



UNCLE SAM'S MINSTRELS 

A choice collection of snappy gags for 
interlocutor and end men. 




SUGGESTED PROGRAMME. 

1. Gentlemen, be seated. 

2. Opening overture. 

3. Gags between interlocutor and end man. 

4. Sentimental song. 

5. Gags between interlocutor and end man. 

6. Comic song. 

7. Gags between interlocutor and end man. 

8. Ballad. 

9. Gags between interlocutor and end man. 
10. Parody or comic song. 

Grand Finale. 
NOTE. — In place of songs, other specialties 
such as instrumental or whistling solos, eccentric 
dances, etc., may he introduced. 



Interlocutor — Gentlemen, be seated. 

3 



Bones — Are you going to play a game of cards 
with us? 

Interlocutor — Certainly not. What makes you 
think I'm going to play a game of cards with you ? 

Bones — Because you said, "Gentlemen, be 
cheated." 

Interlocutor — Nonsense; I said, "Gentlemen, be 
seated." I wouldn't cheat anybody ; I'm as honest 
as the day is long. 

Bones — Yes; but the days will soon be getting 
shorter. 

Interlocutor — Please don't insinuate. If you 
hold anything against me come right out with it. 

Bones — Very well. Last night you and I were 
standing on the street corner when I dropped a 
silver dollar on the sidewalk. 

Interlocutor — Well, what of it? 

Bones — You helped me look for that silver dol- 
lar. 

Interlocutor-— Do you mean to imply that I 
took your silver dollar? 

Bones — No, sir, I do not. AH that I wish to 
imply is that if you hadn't helped me look for it, I 
might have found it. 

SONG 

Interlocutor — How are you feeling, Mr. Tambo? 

Tambo — Like a frankfurter. 

Interlocutor — How's that? 

Tambo — All to the mustard. 

Interlocutor — Speaking of food, do you know 
that the price of everything has increased on the 
average 79 per cent.? 

Tambo — And yet just think of a restaurant that 
gives you a plate of soup, your choice of two kinds 
of fish, three kinds of vegetables, roast meats, 
bread and butter, potatoes, a piece of pie and a cup 
of coffee — and all for twenty cents? 

Interlocutor — Where can you get such a won- 
derful meal for twenty cents? 

4 



Tambo — -I don't know — but just think of it. 

SONG 

Interlocutor — How are you feeling, Mr. Bones? 

Bones — Like a corset. 

Interlocutor — And how is that? 

Bones — Out of sight. 

Interlocutor — Didn't I see you down near the 
dock this morning? 

Bones — No, sir, you didn't see me near any 
"doc;" I haven't had a day's sickness in twenty 
years. 

Interlocutor — The "dock" I have reference to is 
a place where ships and schooners land. 

Bones — Then my mouth is a dock. 

Interlocutor — How so? 

Bones — Because many a "schooner" has landed 
there. 

Interlocutor — Quit your foolishness, and tell me 
what you were doing at the dock ? 

Bones — My mother-in-law sailed this morning 
for the West Indies. 

Interlocutor — Jamaica ? 

Bones — No, sir, you couldn't make that old bird 
do anything. The doctor ordered her to a warmer 
climate — and I didn't happen to have an axe 
handy. 

Interlocutor — Were you ever in Jamaica, Mr. 
Bones? 

Bones — Yes, sir, and I'll never forget it, because 
I almost saved a man's life on that trip. 

Interlocutor — What do you mean you ALMOST 
saved a man's life? 

Bones — Well, sir, I was walking on the deck of 
the ship when a big wave come along and washed 
one of the passengers overboard. 

Interlocutor — Washed one of the passengers 
overboard, eh ? 

Bones — Yes, and the way he looked I guess it 
was his first washing in a long time. 

5 



Interlocutor— Never niind about that. Proceed 

with your story. . 

Bones— I saw him struggling among those giant 
waves. So I threw him a rope and had just about 
pulled him out of the water when he said to me: 
"You are a hero, and as a reward you shall marry 
my daughter." At that moment his daughter ap- 
peared on the deck, and, believe me, she was the 
homeliest girl I ever looked at. Of course it is 
every woman's privilege to be homely, but she 
was positively abusing her privilege. 

Interlocutor (impatiently)— Never mmd about 
that. What did you do, marry the daughter? 

Bones— No, sir, I let go the rope. 

SONG 

Interlocutor— What line of business are you in, 
Mr. Tambo? 

Tambo— I sell fireproof safes. 

Interlocutor— And what line of business are you 

in, Mr. Bones? 

Bones — I sell fireproof safes, also. 

Tambo (to Bones)— I'll bet that my fireproof 
safes are more fireproof than your fireproof safes. 

Bones— Nothing of the kind. My safes have 
gone through tests that would put your safes out 

of business. 

Interlocutor— There, there, now, gentlemen, 
don't quarrel about it. (To Bones)— Suppose 
you describe one of those tests and give me a 
chance to form my own judgment in the matter. 

Bones— W r ell, sir, one of our safes was in the big 
San Francisco fire of 1906. It belonged to the 
First National Bank and was filled with valuable 
bonds and papers. For three days and nights the 
roaring flames swept around my safe, and yet 
when it was finally opened not one of those valua- 
ble documents was even as much as scorched. 

Tambo — Not in it with my safe. 

Interlocutor— Do you mean to say that your 

6 



S TaSrYe sif One of my safes belonged to 
a buSher, and one day while the safe door stood 
ntSi Ms pet cat jumped inside and fell asleep. 
The butch e P didn'tmis? the cat, and when closing 
time came around, he locked his safe as usual 
wSh poor pussy inside. Well, sir, that night a 
terrible fire broke out in that butcher shop-<>h it 
was an awful fire. For hours and hours that safe 
was in the center of a veritable sea of flames, and 
even after the fire was pu t out, it took seven weeks 
for the safe to cool off. Finally when it was 
opened there lay the poor cat. WnswtP(1 to 

Interlocutor (in excited voice)— Roasted to 

Tambo (very much agitated)— $o, sir— 

FROZEN STIFF. 

SONG 
Tambo— By the way, did you notice those two 
big dogs I haye in my front garden, carved out of 

Interlocutor-Yes, I did notice them. How 
often do you feed those dogs? 

Tambo— Whenever they bark. 

Interlocutor— You look far from well today. 
What's the trouble? 

Tambo— The truth of the matter is, my stomach 
aches me; in fact, I have not had my dinner yet 

Interlocutor— Your stomach aches because it s 
empty. You'd feel much better if you had some- 
thing in it. ,, ... 

Tambo— You're not looking so very well either. 

Interlocutor— To tell you the truth, my head 

ROllGS D16 

Tambo— That's because it's empty. You'd feel 
much better if you had something in it. 

SONG 
Interlocutor— Good evening, Mr. Bones. 
Bon e S _Good evening, Mr. Interlocutor. 
Interlocutor — You remind me of a man that s 

7 



just been married. 

Bones — And why do I remind you of a man 
that's just been married? 

Interlocutor — Because you're looking bright 
and cheerful. 

Bones — And you remind me of a Summer hotel 
in the Winter time. 

Interlocutor — And why do I remind you of a 
Summer hotel in the Winter time ? 

Bones (tapping his head) — "Nobody home." 

Interlocutor — You're facetious. 

Bones — No, I'm Democratic. 

Interlocutor — By the way, where do you work 
now? 

Bones — In a brewery. 

Interlocutor — What is the nature of your occu- 
pation? 

Bones — Come again, please. 

Interlocutor — You just told me you work in a 
brewery, so I asked you what was the nature of 
your occupation ; or in other words, what is your 
capacity ? 

Bones — Three gallons a day. 

SONG 

Tambo — Do you know that every time I think of 
matrimony I'm reminded of a police court? 

Interlocutor — In what way does matrimony re- 
mind you of a police court? 

Tambo — Well, bachelorhood is a trial, isn't it? 

Interlocutor — Yes, bachelorhood is a trial. 

Tambo — And love is a conviction. 

Interlocutor — Yes, love is a very firm convic- 
tion. But what is marriage? 

Tambo — Oh, that's a life sentence. 

Interlocutor — Is it as bad as all that? 

Tambo — Worse; in fact, it came near being an 
execution for me. 

Interlocutor — Why, how was that? 

Tambo — A few nights ago I was out with two 

8 



other married friends of mine and when we started 
for home about 3 G. M. we knew that our wives 
would be sitting up waiting for us. So just for 
a joke each of us agreed to do the first thing our 
wives requested of us, and the one who failed 
would have to pay for a good dinner for the other 
two. Well, sir, we compared notes the next day 
and here was the result : When the first man came 
home, he took off his shoes in the hallway and 
began to ascend the stairs very cautiously. He 
had just got to the top of the stairs when he acci- 
dentally stepped on the pet cat. He had always 
thought the cat was his friend, but this time she 
"squealed" on him. The racket awoke his wife, 
so she hollered to him : "Why don't you wake up 
the entire neighborhood while you're about it?" 
So he put his head out of the window and woke 
up the entire neighborhood. The second man 
managed to get safely into his wife's boudoir — 
whenever I have money in my pocket I always say 
"boudoir." But while groping his way round, he 
accidentally bumped into the rocking-chair and 
woke her up, so she bawled out to him : "Why don't 
you go to work and break all the furniture?" So % 
he got an axe and broke all the furniture. When 
I got home I tried to climb up the stairs quietly 
and peacefully, but when I got half-way to the top 
landing, my wife put her head over the balustrade 
and shouted: "I wish you'd fall down and break 
your neck." So I had to pav for the dinner. 

SONG ' 

Interlocutor — What's the matter, Mr. Bones, 
you look sort of glum this evening? 

Bones — That's because there's some kind of 
hoodoo hanging over me. 

Interlocutor — Why, I always thought that you 
were rather lucky. 

Bones— Oh, I used to be lucky in the old days, 
but lately everything T tackle goes wrong. Every 

9 



time I make a bet I lose. Why, I actually believe 
that at the present time my luck is so bad that 
if John D. Rockefeller was to come along and fill 
everybody's pocket with gold, I'd be walking 
around in a bathing suit. 

Interlocutor — Don't you take perhaps a rather 
gloomy view of things ? 

Bones — Not much. Things are even worse than 
I picture them, and to prove it I'll give you an 
illustration of something that happened to me to- 
day. I was standing on the corner of Broadway 
and Forty-second Street (localize) talking to a 
friend of mine, when we got into an argument as 
to whether there were more white or colored peo- 
ple in New York. I claimed there were more white 
people, and my friend claimed there were more 
colored people. 

Interlocutor — Why, you were right, Mr. Bones. 
There are more white people. 

Bones — That's just what I insisted, and in order 
to prove to him that I was right, I offered to give 
him a dollar for every colored man that passed if 
he gave me a dollar for every white man that 
passed. 

Interlocutor — Why, my dear boy, you had by 
far the best end of the bet, and I have no doubt 
but that you cleaned up a nice sum of money 
on it. 

Bones — Not so fast, Bucephalus, not so fast. 
The minute after we made the bet, along came 
fourteen white men, so my friend gave me $14. 
Then along came two colored men, and I gave him 
back $2. Then along came seventeen white men, 
he gave me $17. After this came three colored 
men, so I gave him $3 back. Then along came 
forty-seven white men and he gave me $47. And 
just as I saw a vision of the vast further wealth 
he would have to turn over to me, I was rudely 
awakened. 

10 






Interlocutor — What do you mean, you were 
rudely awakened? 

Bones (sadly) — Along came a colored funeral 
800 strong. 

SONG 

Interlocutor — I haven't seen your brother 
lately. 

Tambo — That's because a judge gave him thirty 
days. 

Interlocutor — What for ? 

Tambo — For picking up a piece of rope. 

Interlocutor — Do you mean to say a judge gave 
your brother thirty days for picking up a piece of 
rope? 

Tambo — Yes, sir; you see, there was a horse on 
the other end of it. And I've got another brother 
who can't read and write and yet he got arrested 
for forging. 

Interlocutor — He can't read and write and yet 
got arrested for forging? 

Tambo — Yes, sir ; he forged a horseshoe. 

Interlocutor — I think I've heard enough about 
your family. 

Tambo — Perhaps you'd like to have me tell you 
a little something about myself. 

Interlocutor — Anything that you have to say 
about yourself I'm ready to listen to. 

Tambo — I'll tell you about the first job I ever had 
when I came to this country. It was in a medical 
museum and all I had to do was to sort skulls. 

Interlocutor — I don't think I quite understand. 

Tambo — Well, sir, the doctor who owned the 
medical museum had a big box of skulls and all I 
had to do was to sort them ; take the skulls out of 
the box and put the male skulls on one side and 
the female skulls on the other side. 

Interlocutor — You say you placed the male 
skulls on one side and the female skulls on the 

11 



other side? 

Tambo — Yes, sir; that's all I had to do. 

Interlocutor — One minute. How could you tell 
the male skulls from the female skulls ? 

Tambo — Well, you see, I always allowed about 
four inches more jaw for the female skulls. 

SONG 

Interlocutor — Now that Peary has discovered 
the North Pole, he has promised to organize 
another expedition and discover the South Pole. 
I think that makes him the greatest traveler on 
record. 

Bones — My washerwoman is a greater traveler 
than Peary is. 

Interlocutor — What makes you say that your 
washerwoman is a greater traveler than Peary? 

Bones — Because every Monday, when she hangs 
her wash on the line, she goes from "pole to pole." 

Interlocutor — I'm afraid you're dreaming to- 
night, Mr. Bones. 

Bones — No, I ain't, cross my liver. But while 
on the subject, I did have a funny dream last 
night. 

Interlocutor — Let me hear it. 

Bones — I dreamt I had died and gone to heaven, 
but I didn't see any of my friends up there, and I 
got feeling kind of lonesome. So St. Peter said : 
'Take a little trip down to hades. Here's a 
round-trip ticket, so you can come back to heaven 
any time you want to. The minute I arrived in 
hades I saw a number of familiar faces. 

Interlocutor — Do you recall any of them ? 

Bones — Yes, sir ; you were there. 

Interlocutor — Never mind about that. Pro- 
ceed. 

Bones — Well, sir, I wandered 'round hades till I 
came to a place where a lot of sports were playing 
poker, so I joined them, and would you believe it 
in less than twenty minutes, they cleaned me out 

12 



of every cent 1 had. So I left the game and took 
another walk around hades, but in a few moments 
I was back and bought another hundred dollars 
worth of chips, and — 

Interlocutor — One minute, if you please. If 
you were dead broke, when you first got up from 
that table, where did you get that hundred dollars 
to buy some more chips? 

Bon^s— Well, you see; I went and sold my re- 
turn ticket to John D. Rockefeller (or substitute 
other name.) 

SONG 

Bones — I see you have a medal pinned on your 
coat. 

Tambo — Yes, sir ; I got that medal for lying. 

Bones — I'll bet I'm a better liar than you are. 

Tambo — I got five dollars to bet that you ain't. 

Bones — We'll, let Mr. Interlocutor hold the 
stakes. 

Tambo — Yes; but who'll hold Mr. Interlocutor? 

Bones — Don't be suspicious. I'm willing to 
take a chance on his honesty. 

Tambo — What have you got to do with it? 

Bones — The money is as much mine as yours. 

Tambo — Yes ; but you're going to lose the bet. 

Bones — Don't be too sure about that. Are you 
ready to begin lying? 

Tambo — Yes, sir. 

Bones — Very well, then, put up your money 
and go to it. (Tambo and Bones each give Inter- 
locutor five dollars.) 

Tambo — A hundred and fifty years ago there 
lived in a house six inches long and nine thousand 
miles high a man seven hundred years old. One 
day he was sitting on a barbed-wire fence crying as 
if his heart would break. So I says to him : "What 
are you crying for?" And he said: "Father just 
licked me." I said: "What did he lick you for?" 
He said: "For throwing stones at grandfather." 

18 



Well, guess I'm entitled to the money. (Starts 
to go toward Interlocutor.) 

Bones — Wait a minute, there's another county 
to be heard from. (Tambo sits down again.) 

Bones — Did this grandfather have a cork leg? 

Tambo — Yes, sir. 

Bones — And one eye? 

Tambo — Yes, sir. 

Bones — Well, sir, that man was my son. (Bones 
collects the money from Interlocutor.) 

SONG 



MINSTREL FINALE— The Magic HAT 

(Characters by Interlocutor, Tambo, Bones and 
two of the other minstrels. Bones and the two 
minstrels have previously left stage.) 

Interlocutor (to Tambo)— I've got here a hat 
that's a wonder. (Shows him a small gray derby.) 

Tambo — I wouldn't pick a hat like that out of 
the ash barrel. 

Interlocutor — Don't say that; this is a most 
unusual hat. 

Tambo — It looks more like a fried egg. 

Interlocutor — It's a magic hat 

Tambo — A magic hat? 

Interlocutor — Yes, sir, a magic hat. When you 
put it on, if anybody is passing, all you have to say 
is "Remember the hat," and they'll hand you 
money. 

Tambo — Do you mean to say that if I have this 
hat on my head when anybody is passing and I 
say "Remember the hat," that they'll hand me 
money ? 

Interlocutor — Yes, sir, that's the idea exactly. 

Tambo — I don't believe it. 

Interlocutor — Well, here comes somebody now, 
so I'll have a chance to prove it. 

(One of the minstrels enters from left.) 

Interlocutor (to minstrel) — Ah, good evening. 

Minstrel (gruffly) — Good evening yourself. 

14 



Interlocutor — Could you lend me a dollar? 

Minstrel — Lend you a dollar; well, I guess not. 
What do you take me for? 

Interlocutor (putting magic hat on head) — 
Remember the hat. 

Minstrel (with completely changing manner) ^~ 
Why, certainly, I remember the hat. Here are a 
hundred dollars. (Hands interlocutor a roll of 
greenbacks. Minstrel exits at right.) 

Tambo — I'll be jiggered. 

Interlocutor — Well, what have you got to say 
now? 

Tambo — I don't know what to say. 

Interlocutor — Here comes somebody else. We'll 
try it again. (Interlocutor takes off hat.) 

(Second minstrel enters from left.) 

Interlocutor (to second minstrel) — Ain't you 
Mr. Percy Vanderbilt? 

Second Minstrel (gruffly) — Aw, go mind your 
own business. 

Interlocutor — I'll be put out of my own home 
if I don't raise fifty dollars at once for the rent 

Second Minstrel — What do I care? 

Interlocutor (putting on hat) — Remember the 
hat. 

Second Minstrel (changing his manner com- 
pltely) — Why certainly I remember the hat. 
Here are five hundred dollars, old pal. (Hands 
interlocutor a roll of bills.) 

Interlocutor — Ah, thank you a thousand times. 

Second Minstrel — Don't mention it; there's lots 
more where that came from. Ta, ta. 

Interlocutor — Ta, ta. 

(Second minstrel exits at right. ( 

Interlocutor (to Tambo) — Do you believe me 
now? 

Tambo — Say, that's a wonderful hat, all right. 

Interlocutor — I told you it was. 

Tambo — Do you want to sell it? 

15 



Interlocutor — Sell that hat? Well, I guess not 
Why, I've made over ten million dollars with that 
hat. 

Tambo — Then sell it and give somebody else a 
chance to make a little money with it. 

Interlocutor— That's so; I never thought of 
that. 

Tambo — What will you sell it to me for? 

Interlocutor — I won't sell it for any price, but 
I'm going to make you a present of it. 

Tambo — You're going to make me a present of 
the hat? 

Interlocutor — Yes ; for a thousand dollars. 

Tambo — Oh, you'll make me a present of the hat 
— for a thousand dollars? 

Interlocutor — A mere bagatelle. 

Tambo — Yes, a mere bag of shells. 

Interlocutor — I'd give it to you without you 
paying me a penny, only in later years, when you 
have gotten to be fabulously wealthy, I don't 
want you to have to confess to your grandchildren 
that you accepted such a valuable hat without 
giving at least a slight equivalent therefor. 

Tambo — Oh, the thousand dollars is just a 
slight squidgulum? 

Interlocutor — That's all. 

Tambo — Very well, here's your thousand dol- 
lars. (Hands money to interlocutor.) 

Interlocutor — And here's the magic hat. 
(Hands hat to Tambo and exits.) 

(Bones, wearing policeman's helmet and uni- 
form and carrying a night stick, enters from left.) 

Tambo — Good evening, officer. 

Policeman — Aw, go chase yourself. 

Tambo (putting on magic hat) — Remember the 
hat. 

Policeman — You bet I remember the hat ; that's 
one you stole from Rogers Peet (mention local 
store) a few days ago. I've been laying for vou 

16 



ever since. 

(Police7rian seizes Tambo by neck and drags 
hint off stage at right.) 

(Final chorus by company.) 
CURTAIN. 

A ROARING FARCE, Entitled BUBBLE'S 

TROUBLES 

Characters : 

HIRAM BUBBLE, an old man afflicted with 

deafness 

FANNY, His Daughter 

GEORGE KENNEY, Fanny's sweetheart 

BARNABY BIBBS ) 

MRS. BARNABY BIBBS | mamed bu * no * ma ted. 

PETER, Mr. Bubble's Colored Servant 

SCENE : Parlor of Bubble's Home. 

(George and Fanny discovered at rise of cur- 
tain.) 

George — I don't see why your father should be 
so opposed to my marrying you. 

Fanny — I don't either, George, for I think you 
are quite the nicest man in the whole world, but, 
you see, papa is very deaf and insists that the only 
man who shall ever marry me must be as deaf as 
he is. 

George — It's an outrage, that's what it is, and 
the very first chance I have, your father shall know 
it, too. 

Fanny — I'm quite sure, George, if papa would 
once see you that he'd want you as a son-in-law. 

George — Perhaps so, but in the meantime I've 
written him a letter, asking him for your hand 
and saying that I love you with all my heart. 
(Takes letter from pocket.) I'll just lay it here 
on the table where your father will be sure to see 
it when he comes in. (Lays letter on table.) 

Fanny — There, there now, George, don't excite 
yourself, for I have no doubt everything will come 

17 



out all right, and in the meantime come with me 
down into the parlor for a game of billards. ( They 
exit together.) 

{Enter Barnaby C. D.) 

Barnaby — Well, Fve escaped from my wife at 
last. The only way I could give her the slip was 
to jump off a moving train going at the rate of 
sixty miles an hour. It's lucky I didn't break my 
neck, but at that I'm liable to die of starvation, 
for I haven't had a bite to eat for eighteen hours. 
Before jumping off the train I gave my wife every 
dollar I had — fifteen cents and a postal card. 
When I passed this house, I saw the door open, so 
I came in to ask for something to eat. If I am 
refused (desperately), well, then I won't eat. I'll 
just reconnoitre round a bit. 

(Barnably exits C Z).). Hiram enters R 2.) 

Hiram — If ever a man was afflicted it's me. 
I've been deaf as a post for twenty years, but at 
last I have a hope of being cured. There is a 
great specialist in town, Dr. Watts, and he has 
promised to come to the house this afternoon at 4 
o'clock, and see if he can't restore my hearing. I 
hope the operation will be successful — yes, I hope 
the operation will be successful. 

{Hiram exits R. 2. Enter Peter C. D.) 

Peter — I wonder what has become of that old 
fool I call master. He's deaf as a post and I 
almost have to shout my head off to make him un- 
derstand. He said he expected a doctor up here 
this afternoon, who was going to push a telegraph 
pole or something down his ear to make him hear. 
I wonder if the old fool is home yet. I'd better 
stay around here 'cause he'll be wanting some- 
thing the minute he does come home. 

(Peter goes over to L. 1. Hiram enters R. 2. 
Peter sees Hiram, but Hiram does not see Peter.) 

Peter (to audience) — Oh, there you are, you old 
muttonhead. For years vou've almost made me 

18 



talk niy head off trying to nrake you understand, 
but I've had my fun with you just the same, calling 
you all kinds of names, and you never knew what 
I was saying. 

(Hiram turns round and sees Peter.) 

Hiram (hand to ear) — Eh, what is it? 

Peter (to audience) — There you go again, you 
old numbskull. 

Hiram (hand to ear) — Eh, what is it? 

Peter (to Hiram) — I said, I just came in to see 
if there was anything you wanted. 

Hiram — Ail right. (To audience.) Peter's a 
good boy and I don't know what I would do with- 
out him. (To Peter.) No, Peter, there's nothing 
I want just now, but when I do I'll ring. 

Peter — All right, you old mullethead. 

Hiram — Eh, what is it? 

Peter — I said, I'd be in the next room when you 
wanted me. 

Hiram — All right, Peter. You can go now. 

(Exit Peter R. 2.) 

Hiram — He's a good boy, and so devoted to me. 
(Sees George's letter on table; picks it up.) 
What's this? a letter. I wonder who it can be 
from. (Tears it open) "Hiram Bubble. Dear 
Sir : I hereby ask you for your daughter's hand, as 
I love her with all my heart. George Kenney." 

( While he is reading letter Barnaby re-enters C. 
D. and comes up in back of Hiram. When Hiram 
has -finished reading letter, Barnaby addresses 
him.) 

Barnaby — Would you be kind enough to give 
me a little something to eat? (Hiram has heard 
no one enter and talks to himself about the let- 
ter.) 

Hiram — No, sir; no, sir. 

Barnaby (who thinks Hiram is answering him) 
— But I haven't tasted food in eighteen hours. 

Hiram (still talking to himself aloud and hit- 

19 



ting letter with his hand) — You can't have any- 
thing out of my house. (Barnaby looks despair- 
ingly.) 

Hiram (continuing) — No, sir, the man who mar- 
ries my daughter must be as deaf as I am — such a 
man will get from me f 10,000 on the wedding day. 

Barnaby (aside) — So that's the game. Well, 
from now on I'm deaf as a post. (Quickly goes 
up stage and sits on chair — reads paper. Hiram 
turns round and sees Barnaby for first time. 
Goes up to him.) 

Hiram — How did you get. in here and what's 
your business? 
Barnaby (hand to ear) — Eh, what is it ? 

Hiram (impatiently) — I say, what's your busi- 
ness ? 

Barnaby — I'm a shoemaker. 

Hiram (hand to ear) — Eh, what is it? 

Barnaby (shouting)— I say, I'm a shoemaker. 

Hiram — Well, we don't need any shoes here. 
We've got our own shoemaker and we've had him 
for years. 

(Barnaby has resumed reading paper.) 

Hiram (repeating) — I said we have our own 
shoemaker for years. (Barnaby pays no atten- 
tion. It now flashes through Hiram's mind that 
Barnaby is deaf. ) 

Hiram (to audience) — Why, bless me if he ain't 
deaf as I am. He's just the man to marry my 
daughter. (Plucks Barnaby by the arm.) Come 
down here, I want to speak to you. (Hiram goes 
down front, thinking that Barnaby is following 
him. Barnaby, however, keeps on reading.) 

Hiram (thinking Barnaby stands before him) 
— You see, I've got a daughter and I want her to 
marry a deaf man. (Looks up, sees no Barnaby. 
Looks round and sees him reading on chair. Gives 
an exclamation of impatience, and hobbles back to 
Barnaby, plucks him on sleeve again.) 

90 



Hiram (to Barnaby in very loud voice) — Come 
down here, T want to talk to you. 

(They both go down front) 

Hiram — I want you to marry my daughter. 

Barnaby — Eh, what is it? 

Hiram — I said I want you to marry my daugh- 
ter. Are you a single man — are you in the mar- 
ket? 

Barnaby — Yes, every morning between six and 
seven. 

Hiram — Eh, what is it? 

Barnaby — I say I'm in the market every morn- 
ing between six and seven. 

Hiram — I don't mean Washington Market 
(mention local market). 

Barnaby — Eh, what is it? 

Hiram (impatiently) — Come downstairs for 
some lunch and we'll talk it over. 

Barnaby — Certainly. (Puts his arm through 
Hiram's. ) 

Hiram — I thought he'd understand that. 
(Hiram takes him to C. D. exit.) 

Hiram — You go downstairs and I'll be down in 
a few minutes. 

Barnabv — Eh, what is it? 

(Hiram makes pretence at kicking Barnaby, 
who exits quick.) (Hiram goes to table and rings 
bell. Enter Peter R. 2.) 

Peter — There you go again, you old pudding- 
head; 'fraid I might get five minutes rest. So 
you ring the bell all day long and make me run 
upstairs and down. I'm tired of looking at you. 
you old curmudgeon. 

Hiram — Eh, what is it? 

Peter (respectfully) — I said, did you ring? 

Hiram — Yes, Peter, I've invited a guest for 
lunch, so I want you to put an extra plate on the 
table. 

Peter — That's it. Always inviting some old bum 

21 



to the house. No wonder I don't get enough to 
eat half the time. 

Hiram — Eh, what is it? 

Peter — I said I would attend to it. 

Hiram — That's right, Peter. (To audience) — 
A good boy is Peter, a good boy. 

Peter — I wonder what the old chucklehead is 
mumbling to himself. Well, he can go to the devil 
for all I care. 

(Exits Peter C. D. Hiram sits down and reads 
newspaper.) 

Hiram — What's this? The insane asylum burns 
and three hundred lunatics escape. I hope none 
of them get in here, that's all. (Comes down 
front to L.) 

(Enter Mrs. Barnaby Bibbs. She doesn't see 
Hiram.) 

Mrs. Bibbs (to audience) — My husband, Bar- 
naby Bibbs, ran away from me, but I traced him 
to this house and now you bet I'll make it hot for 
him. (Shows whip in her hand. Sees Hiram's 
back — he is facing audience.) That's him now. 
(Goes up to Hiram and whips him.) You will 
run away from your wife, will you? Well, I'll 
teach you not to do so in the future. 

(Hiram protests and jumps around. She doesn't 
see his face and finally goes back to table and picks 
up paper.) 

Hiram (to audience) — I wonder what's the mat- 
ter with the woman. She acts as if she's crazy. 
I'll bet she's one of the lunatics that escaped from 
the asylum. I'd better humor her till I can get 
her out of the house. 

Mrs. Bibbs (reading) — What's this? The asy- 
lum burns down and three hundred lunatics es- 
cape. And to think that the asylum is only two 
blocks from here. (Looks up and sees Hiram's 
face.) Why, you're not my husband. 

Hiram (hand to ear) — Eh, what is it? 

22 



Mrs. Bibbs — How peculiar the man acts. I 
wonder if he's one of the escaped lunatics. I'd 
better humor him. (Gets up from chair and 
dances around stage in circle. Hiram dances 
around also in circle. Each dances around stage 
twice, making funny movements and grimaces at 
eadh other. Finally, when Mrs. Bibbs gets to C. 
D. exit, she slightly raises her skirt, says, 
"Whoof" and makes hasty exit. Hiram keeps on 
dancing around. Peter enters, and also starts in 
to dance around as Mrs. Bibbs had done. They 
dance twice around the stage, until Hiram gets to 
C. D. exit, when he also cries "Whoof" to Peter 
and makes hasty exit.) 

Peter — I think the old man is going crazy. (Ex- 
its R. 2.) (Re-enters Barnaby C. D. Sits down 
at table.) 

Barnaby — Well, I'm ahead of the game so far. 
Had a good lunch. Guess I'll just sit down here 
and await developments. (Picks up newspaper.) 

(Enters George and Fanny, C. D. They come 
down front without seeing Barnaby.) 

George — It's no use, Fanny, your father posi- 
tively refuses to listen to me. 

Fanny — Yes, father's mind seems bent on my 
marrying a man who is as deaf as he is. 

George — Oh, what shall I do? 

Fanny — You will have to be deaf, also. 

George — What are you talking about? 

Fanny — Why, stupid, I mean that you must 
make believe you are deaf till after our marriage ; 
theu you can get your hearing back again. 

George — Oh, I see. You just want me to make 
believe that I am deaf so as to fool your father. 

Fanny — That's the idea. (Fanny happens to 
turn half-way around and sees Barnaby sitting at 
table calls George's attention to him.) Who is 
that? 

George (angrily) — I'll soon find out. (Walks 

23 



over to Barnaby) — What do you mean, sir, by lis- 
tening to our conversation? 

{Barnaby pays no attention, but keeps on 
reading.) 

George — Don't you know better than to listen to 
a private conversation? 

Barnaby — Eh, what is it? 

George (laughingly turns to Fanny) — Why, 
the fellow is deaf. (Walks over to Fanny again.) 

Fanny — It's lucky he didn't hear out little plot. 

George — Yes, indeed, or else our bread would 
have been dough. 

Fanny (listening) — Be careful, now, George, 
for I hear father coming. Remember, from now 
on you are deaf as a post. 

George (laughing, and with hand to ear) — 
Eh, what is it? (Enters Hiram. George tries to 
hide behind Fanny, who stands down at L.) 

Hiram — Good afternoon, Fanny. 

Fanny — Good afternoon, father, it's a lovely 
day, isn't it? 

Hiram — Eh, what is it? 

Fanny (louder) — I said it wa§ a lovely day. 

Hiram — Yes, it's fine weather. (Sees George, 
although Fanny has been trying to hide him.) 
Who is this man ? 

Fanny — That's my friend, Captain Smith. 

Hiram — Eh, what is it? 

Fanny (louder) — I said he's Captain Smith. 

Hiram — Oh, he's a blacksmith. Well, we don't 
need one around here. 

Fanny — No, no, father. This is my friend, Cap- 
tain Smith, and he's rich. 

Hiram — Oh, he's got the itch. Well, get him 
out of here quick, or we'll all catch it. 

Fanny — No, no ; I said he was rich and wants to 
marry your daughter. 

Hiram — Eh, what is it? 

Fanny — I said he was rich and wants to marry 

24 



your daughter. 

Hiram — Oh, he wants to borrow a quarter? 
Well, he won't get any money from me. 

Fanny — No, he wants to marry your daughter 
and (very loud) he's deaf. 

Hiram {pleased) — Oh, the man is deaf. Bring 
him over here, Fanny, and introduce him. 

(Fanny pulls George to where Hiram is stand- 
ing.) 

Fanny — Captain Smith, this is my father, 
Hiram Bubbles. Smith — Bubbles ; Bubbles — 
Smith. 

Hiram and George (each with hand to ear) — Eh 
what is it? 

Hiram — My daughter tells me that you want to 
marry her. 

George — Yes, the weather is warmer this week 
than it was last. 

Hiram — Eh, what is it? 

George — I said, the weather is warmer this 
week than it was last. 

Hiram — No, no, you don't understand. I said, 
my daughter tells me you want to marry her. 
(Aside.) Why, the man is actually deafer than I 
am (delighted) ; just the man for my daughter. 
I'll go and introduce the other man to him. 

(He goes over to Barnaby) 

Hiram (to Barnaby) — T want to introduce you 
to a friend of mine. 

Barnaby — Eh, what is it? 

Hiram — I want to introduce you to a friend of 
mine. What is your name? 

Barnaby — Barnaby Bibbs. 

Hiram — Eh, what is it? 

Barnaby (louder) — I said my name is Barnaby 
Bibbs. 

Hiram — Well, Mr. Bibbs, come forward a min- 
ute ; I want to introduce you to a friend of mine. 

(Hiram comes down stage and thinks Barnaby 

25 



is following him. Barnaby, however, does not 
move. ) 

Hiram — I want to introduce you to my friend, 
Mr. Bibbs; Mr. Bibbs, this is — (Hiram misses 
Barnaby and with an impatient expression goes 
back to get him.) 

Hiram (to Barnaby) — I want to introduce you 
to a friend of mine, Capt. Smith. 

Barnaby — I'm no blacksmith. I'm a shoe- 
maker. 

Hiram — Eh, what is it? 

Barnaby — I said I'm not a blacksmith; but a 
shoemaker. 

Hiram — No, you don't understand. I want to 
introduce you to my friend, Captain Smith. 

(Hiram takes Barnaby by the arm and brings 
Mm down stage.) 

Hiram (to George) — This, Captain Smith, is my 
friend, Mr. Bibbs; Bibbs— Smith; Smith— Bibbs. 

Barnaby and George (each with hand to ear) — 
Eh, what is it? 

Hiram (quite out of breath and getting impa- 
tient) — Oh, I say, I want you both to have some- 
thing to eat and drink with me downstairs. 

George and Barnaby (with alacrity) — Cer- 
tainly. 

Hiram — I thought they'd understand that. 

(Hiram takes hold of arm of each and they all 
walk to C. D. Barnaby and George exit and Hiram 
stays in room. — Enter Peter, dancing in same way 
as Hiram danced out before. — Hiram sees him.) 

Hiram — Stop dancing round like a jackass and 
tell me what you want. 

Peter — I came to tell you that Dr. Watts has 
arrived. 

Barnaby — Eh, what is it? 

Peter — I said, I came to tell you that Dr. Watts 
has arrived. 

Hiram (pleased) — Oh, he has. Well, I'll go 

26 



right downstairs and I only hope he will be able 
to cure my deafness. 

Peter — I hope so, too, you. old blockhead, 'cause 
my throat is worn entirely out from shouting to 
make you understand. (Exit Peter R. 2.) 

Hiram — And now to go downstairs to meet Dr. 
Watts. If he really will give me my hearing back 
I'll be the happiest man in all the world. (Hiram 
exits R. 2.) 

(Barnaby enters G. D.) 

Barnaby — If that old codger makes me eat any 
more 111 bust. I've only been here a few hours 
and have had two hearty meals already. Well, 
there's f 10,000 in keeping up this little game, so I 
guess I'll just stick it out. 

(Barnaby sits down at table. Enter George C. 
D. He comes down front, but sees Barnaby. ) 

George (to audience) — There he is again. I bet 
that fellow can hear as well as I can. I'll just try 
him. 

George (to Barnaby) — How would you like a 
nice glass of Rhine wine and seltzer? 

Barnaby (off his guard) — In a minute. (Re- 
collects himself.) Eh, what is it? 

George — Just as I thought — an im poster, eh? 
Come, now, what's your game? 

(George and Barnaby come down front. Fanny 
enters C. D. and stays in doorway to listen.) 

Barnaby — I came into this house a few hours 
ago to beg something to eat and overheard the old 
man say that he would give $10,000 to any deaf 
man who would marry his daughter, and so — 

George (impatiently) — Yes, and so — ? 

Barnaby — And so I've been deaf ever since. 

George — I see. Well, I also want to marry the 
lady, but I love her for herself alone. 

(Fanny steps forward.) 

Fanny — Excuse me, gentlemen. I've overheard 
your conversation. (Turning to Barnaby.) As 

27 



I understand it, you want to marry me for my 
money ? 

Barnaby — No, I don't want to marry you at all ; 
I only want the money. 

Fanny (turning to George) — And you want to 
marry me for myself? 

George — Yes, Fanny. 

Fanny — Well, gentlemen, suppose we go out 
into the garden and talk it over. 

(They exit C. D. arm in arm, Fanny in the mid- 
dle. Enter Eiram R. 2.) 

Hiram — Oh, what a joyful day. The doctor's 
operation has been successful and my hearing is 
fully restored. I can hear this (snaps finger) ; I 
can hear my watch tick (takes out watch. Sees 
bell on table.) And now to hear the sound of 
the bell that I've been ringing for over twenty 
years. 

(Hiram rings bell loudly. Peter enters, R. 2.) 

Peter — Oh, there you are, you old fool, ringing 
the bell again. Hardly am I sitting down for a 
minute, but you start in ringing and ringing and 
ringing the bell, because you're afraid I might 
have five minutes to myself. But while you are 
upstairs here, you old dotard, I've been down in 
the cellar drinking up your fine wines and smok- 
ing your good -cigars. 

(While Peter is talking, Hiram appears in- 
tensely surprised.) 

Hiram (hand to ear) — Eh, what is it? 

Peter — I said, did you ring? 

Hiram — Yes, I rang, Peter. So you've been 
downstairs in the cellar drinking up my good 
wines and smoking mj cigars, have you? 

(A look of intense astonishment comes over 
Peter's face.) 

Peter — Why, massa, can you hear? 

Hiram — As well as you can. 

Peter (pulling himself together) — Wl*y, that's 

28 



a good joke. 

Hiram (nonplussed) — A good joke, Peter; why, 
what do you mean? 

Peter (brazenly) — Why, golly, massa, I knew it 
all the time. 

Hiram (surprised) — You knew it all the time? 

Peter — Certainly. When the doctor came today 
I felt it in my bones that he would make you 
hear again, so when you came upstairs, I thought 
I'd call you names, just to be sure. 

Hiram (still a little doubtful) — Oh, is that it? 

Peter — Why, certainly, massa. You don't sup- 
pose I'd call you an old fool, even if you look like 
one. 

Hiram — Well, Peter, I'll forgive you, because I 
know you wouldn't say anything disrespectful to 
your old master. 

Peter — Certainly not, but, say, massa, can you 
really hear everything? 

Hiram ( proudly ) — Everything. 

Peter — Can you hear a pin drop? 

Hiram — I can. 

Peter — I'll just try you. (Takes imaginary pin 
from coat and drops it to ground. ) Did you hear 
it? 

Hiram — I did. 

Peter — That's where I fooled you. You want 
to tell Dr. Watts that he is the greatest ear doctor 
in the world for making you hear things that 
never happened. 

Hiram — Do you know where my daughter 
Fanny is? 

Peter (putting his hand to his ear) — Eh, what 
is it? 

Hiram (laughing) — None of that, you rascal. 

Peter — Your daughter Fanny is out in the gar- 
den talking to two bums. 

Hiram — Well, tell them I want to see them, but 
don't let them know that I can hear again. 

29 



Peter — You jess bet I won't. 

Hiram — And you come back also. 

Peter — That's what I will, massa ; I wants to be 
here to see the fun. 

(Peter goes to G. D. Looks off R.) 

Peter — Why, here they come now. 

(Enter George and Fanny and Barnaby G. D. 
Hiram stands over near L. 1 and is almost un- 
noticed.) 

George (to Barnaby) — All right, then, I'll pay 
you f 500 and you agree to leave the country. 

Barnaby — I'd leave the earth for |500. 

George (to Fanny) — And then, Fanny, we'll get 
married, because I love you for yourself alone. 

(They are now standing in line in the following 
order, beginning at L: Hiram, Fanny, George, 
Barnaby, Peter.) 

George (to Barnaby) — And now to buy you off. 
(Gives Barnaby at short intervals five flOO bills, 
ivhich Barnaby puts in his rear trousers pocket. 
Peter, who is at the extreme R, takes them out as 
Barnaby puts them in and holds them in his 
hand.) 

Barnaby (after he has been paid) — That's just 
like finding money. 

Peter (looking at his hand, sotto voce) — You bet 
it is. 

Barnaby (looking toward Hiram) — If the old 
chucklehead knew what we were talking about he'd 
have a fit. 

Hiram — Would he? 

All (in chorus) — Can you hear? 

Hiram — As good as you can. 

Peter — He always could hear. 

Hiram (to Barnaby) — So you've been trying to 
extort money from me by making me believe you're 
deaf. 

Barnaby — Well, you see, I needed the money. 

Peter — And so did I. (Shows Barnaby the 

30 



$500.) 

Barnaby — Give that back; it belongs to me. 

Hiram — No, sir, it doesn't belong to you ; you 
got that by blackmail and I'm going to hand you 
over to an officer. Peter, call a policeman. 

All — Oh, don't have him arrested. 

Hiram — I am determined to make an example of 
him. Peter, an officer. 

(Peter walks to C. D. exit, where Tie is met by 
Mrs. Bibbs.) 

Peter — What do you want here, madam? This 
is a private insane asylum — excuse me — I mean, 
private residence. 

Mrs. Bibbs — That's all right. I came here to 
find my husband. There he is. 

(Sees Barnaby. They embrace.) 

Peter — No need to send for a policeman now. 

Hiram — Why not? 

Peter — He'll be punished for the rest of his life. 

Hiram (to George) — So you want to marry my 
daughter? 

George — Oh, indeed, I do. 

Hiram — Well, take her, my boy, and be happy, 
and now let's all have a social time to celebrate 
the end of "BUBBLE'S TROUBLES." 

(Curtain.) 



MONOLOGUE 
"THIS, THAT AND THE OTHER." 

I'm the happiest man in New York. 

My wife is in Chicago. 

Her father runs a swell hotel there. 

The last time I stopped there I left a call for 
seven A. M. 

About five o'clock I heard a loud knock on my 
door and the colored porter bawled out, "Did you 
leave a call for seven o'clock?" 

"I did," says I. 

31 



"Well," says he, "you've got two hours to sleep 
yet." 

I do have the strangest adventures. 

The other day the lady next door invited me in 
to have a cup of coffee, and I noticed that while I 
was drinking the coffee, her dog kept up an inces- 
sant growling. 

So I said to her, "Why does the dog growl at me 
while I'm drinking the coffee?" 

"Oh, no special reason," she said, "except that 
you are drinking out of his cup." 

Another time I got arrested for gambling. 

The judge fined me ten dollars. 

I said, "Judge, I wasn't playing for money; I 
was playing for chips." 

He said chips were just the same as money. 

So I gave him ten dollars worth of chips. 

While in court I was introduced to a man 
named Flanagan. 

Flanagan is a bricklayer by profession, and 
last week he hired a new helper who was noted 
for his hard head. 

Flanagan thought he'd test him. 

So the first morning, while the helper was filling 
his pipe at the bottom of the ladder, Flanagan 
up on the eighth floor dropped a bit of mortar 
down on the helper's head. 

The helper never noticed it at all. 

So Flanagan took a brick and dropped that 
down. Bang ! It landed squarely on the helper's 
skull. 

"Say," growled the helper, looking up at Flan- 
agan, "please be careful where you're dropping 
that mortar." 

One time Flanagan's enemy, Reilly, threw a 
brick at him and Flanagan was laid up for repairs. 

"I'm going to pray that you'll forgive Reilly," 
said the minister to Flanagan. 

"No, wait till I get well and then prav for 

32 



Reilly," said Flanagan. 

The doctor who attended Flanagan said to Mrs. 
Flanagan, "Stay at your husband's bedside con- 
stantly, as you will need to hand him something 
every hour." 

"Mver, doctor," said Mrs. Flanagan, "far be it 
from me to hit a man when he is down." 

I went into a barber shop today and never saw 
so many nationalities in all my life. 

There were three Italians and four Swedes in- 
side the shop — and two "poles" in front. 

The sign read "Shaves, 10 cents." 

I had only a nickel, but I went in anyhow. 

I said, "Will you shave one side of me for a 
nickel?" 

The barber said, "Yes, which side shall I 
shave?" 

I said, "Shave the outside." 

After he had been over my face once he said, "Is 
the razor all right?" 

I said, "If you hadn't spoken of it I never would 
have known you had a razor on my face." 

"Thank you," says he. 

"Don't mention it," says I, "I thought you were 
using a file." 

He said, "Will you have a hot towel?" 

I said, "If it's all the same I would rather have 
a clean towel." 

He said, "I've used this towel on at least a hun- 
dred customers, and you're the first one to com- 
plain about it." 

Then he said, "Will you have anything on your 
face when I'm through?" 

I said, "I'll be very lucky if my nose is still 
there." 

When I handed him ten cents he said, "Beg par- 
don, sir, but this is a bad dime." 

I said, "It ain't any worse than the shave you 
just gave me. In fact, if you can't shave better 

38 



than this, every regular customer will leave you." 

"No fear of that," said the barber, "I'm not 
allowed to shave the regular customers yet. I 
only shave the strangers." 

These things are enough to drive a man to drink. 

The other night my wife gave me permission to 
go out with a few old phoneys — I mean, old 
cronies. 

Only I forgot whether she said I was to have 
two drinks and be in by twelve, or have twelve 
drinks and be in by two. 

So I gave myself the benefit of the doubt. 

I've got the sweetest little wife in the world. 

We were engaged for a long time, because she 
refused to marry me until I earned at least seven 
dollars a week, and you know very well, they're 
not paying those big salaries nowadays. 

Although her father informed me that when he 
got married he was only earning four "bucks" a 
week, and yet in two years he saved five thousand 
dollars. 

But, of course, that was before cash registers 
had been invented. 

She's got a cute little brother, five years old. 

Last Sunday I gave him two nickels. I said, 
"Put one in the Sunday School collection and buy 
candy with the other." 

But while jingling the coins on the way to 
church he let one of them fall through a grating 
into the cellar. So he said, "There goes the Lord's 
nickel." 

I'll never forget the night I proposed to my 
wife. 

The moon was full. 

And so was I. 

For one hour she just held my hand and didn't 
open her mouth. 

That was the happiest hour of my life. 

Our wedding had to be postponed a number of 

34 



times. 

She wouldn't marry me when I was intoxicated. 

And I wouldn't marry her while I was sober. 

She said she only married me because she was 
sorry for me. 

Now everybody is sorry for me. 

Not that I'm against married life — just merely 
up against it. 

Although I think every man should take a wife. 

I wish somebody would take mine. 

She's a suffragette. 

The other night she addressed an audience of 
three thousand men on the subject of Woman's' 
Rights. 

After she was all finished she said, "And now 
will every man who thinks women should not 
have the right to vote please stand up." 

And would you believe it, every man in that big 
hall stood up — except one. 

But she felt that was at least a little encour- 
agement. 

So turning to the one individual who did not 
get up, she said, "My good man, you remained in 
your seat because you think women should have 
the right to vote?" 

He said, "No, mum; I remained in my seat 
because I'm paralyzed." 

One time my wife and I took a trip to Niagara. 

There was a young fellow on the train who 
couldn't get a seat, so he was walking up and down 
the aisle swearing. 

There Avas a preacher in the car and he said, 
"Young man, do you know where you are going, 
sir? You are going straight to hell." 

The young man answered, "I don't give a darn. 
I've got a round trip ticket." 

My wife is very much opposed to bad language, 
so she also spoke to the young man about it. 

She said, "What would your mother sav if she 

35 



could hear you swear like that?" 

He said, "She'd be tickled to death if she could 
hear it ; she's stone deaf. 

Talking of strange experiences, one time a boy 
was riding on top of a load of hay. 

Suddenly, while turning a corner the wagon 
upset, and down came the load of hay and the 
little boy. 

Luckily he wasn't hurt, and quickly picking him- 
self up he started for the nearest farmhouse for 
assistance to get the load of hay back into the 
wagon again. 

When he reached the farmhouse all out of 
breath and stated his errand, the farmer asked 
him to sit down for a minute and rest. 

"I'd like to," said the lad, "for I'm very tired, 
but I cannot, because father wouldn't like it." 

"Well, then," said the farmer, "perhaps you'll 
stop a little while and get something to eat." 

"I'd like to," said the lad, "for I'm indeed hun- 
gry, but father wouldn't like it." 

"At any event," spoke up the farmer, "you'll at 
least have a glass of milk." 

"I'd like to," again said the lad, "for I'm quite 
thirsty, but I can't, because father wouldn't like 
it.' ; 

"That's strange," said the farmer, "here you 
are hungry, thirsty and tired, and yet when I offer 
you refreshment you refuse and say father 
wouldn't like it. Where in thunder is your father 
that he should object?" 

"Father, sir," answered the lad, "is under the 
hay." 

I'll bet that load of hay was pretty near aa 
heavy as my wife. 

She weighs three hundred pounds. 

I guess when she was born meat was cheap. 

Last month I sent her down to Hot Springs and 
she lost ten pounds. 

36 



I've figured out if I sent her down there thirty 
times in all she may disappear entirely. 

It's worth the money. 

And yet I believe my wife was "made to order" 
for me. 

Only, if I ever marry again, I'll try something 
ready made. 

When you come right down to it, marriage is 
nothing but a union. 

Although a husband is the only "union" man 
who has to work sixteen hours a day. 

Last week I almost got into trouble. 

I saw a lot of people going into a church, and, 
thinking Billy Sunday must be in town, I walked 
in also. 

At first I thought it was a funeral. 

But folks looked too sad for that, so I figured 
out it must be a wedding. 

Presently a large, determined-looking woman 
with orange blossoms in her hair and garlic on 
her breath, marched boldly down the aisle. 

She was the blushing bride. 

If I had as homely a face, I'd blush too. 

Just behind her walked a pale, hesitating young 
man who looked as if he didn't have a friend on 
earth. 

He was the "gloom" — beg pardon, I mean the 
"groom." 

The bride held a bouquet of sweet-smelling "for- 
give-me-nots" in one hand, and dragged the un- 
happy victim towards the altar with the other. 

Right behind them walked the father and 
mother of the bride; also six of her big brothers 
and three or four uncles. 

They all wanted to give their blessing. 

And also to block the exits in case the groom 
changed his mind at the last moment. 

Just as they neared the altar, every light in the 
church went out suddenly. 

37 



But the bride kept on a-going. 

She had been married half a dozen times before 
and knew the way. 

After the minister had pronounced the fatal 
words that changed the poor boob from a free 
and independent citizen info a meal ticket for 
life, I availed myself of the invitation to step up 
and kiss the bride. 

What do I care for my health. 

After the ceremony everybody made a rush to 
the bride's house to get something to eat. 

Some walked on foot and some rode in Fords. 

But those who came on foot had to wait till 
those in Fords arrived. 

Refreshments were served from a sideboard, 
and you never saw such a mad scramble in all 
your life. 

People were crowded so close together that 
nobody could tell which was their own mouth. 

The mouth next to mine ate three hard-boiled 
eggs that I had picked out for myself. 

And a fat woman two mouths away hollered 
out, "You are biting my thumb!" 

I said, "I beg your pardon, lady; I mistook it 
for a pig's knuckle." 

Next to me stood the bride's mother. 

I said, " You've been in the country, haven't 
you?" 

She said, "Why no; what makes you think 
that?" 

I said, "Your chest is all sunburned." 

She said, "That ain't sunburn; that's roast 
beef gravy." 

The groom was married in a traveling suit; 
that is to say right after the ceremony it traveled 
back to the store it was hired from. 

The bride's gown was cut I. O. U. in front, and 
B.V.D. in back. 

The regular societv reporter who usually writes 

38 



up these affairs was sick. 

So they sent the war correspondent instead. 

In describing the bride's dress, he said, "There 
was nothing of importance on the Eastern front." 

I was the first one to leave. 

That's how I got a fur-lined overcoat. 

In the pocket I found a ham sandwich, a bottle 
of claret and a pistol. 

So I sat down on a park bench and began eat- 
ing the ham sandwich. 

Pretty soon a Hebrew came along and sat down 
beside me. 

So I offered him some of the sandwich. 

But he said, "I'm much obliged but it's against 
my religion tt) eat ham." 

So I ate the ham myself and then I pulled out 
the bottle of claret, and after taking a few swal- 
lows I offered him some of that. 

The Hebrew said, "In my religion I'm only al- 
lowed to drink claret if I can't help myself." 

So I poked the pistol at him and said, "I want 
you to drink some of this claret," and the Hebrew 
emptied the bottle without another word. 

After he was all through, I said to him, "Well, 
what are you thinking of now?" 

He said, "I'm thinking why didn't you pull the 
pistol on me while you had some of the ham?" 

Well, I guess you've heard enough of my trou- 
bles for one day, so I'll conclude with a beautiful 
war ballad entitled, "I wish I had a thousand 
wives to give my country." 

(Finish with song or parody.) 

An Original Act for Two Men, Entitled 
THE HIGHEST BIDDER 
(Sidetvalk scene in "one") 
(Straight comedian enters from left and steps 
briskly to the footlights.) 
Straight — Ladies and gentlemen, before begin- 

39 



ning my regular performance, the management 
requests me to announce that a pocketbook has 
been lost in this theatre. The pocketbook con- 
tains one hundred dollars, and the owner offers 
fifty dollars to any one who'll return it. Remem- 
ber, the owner offers fifty dollars to any one who'll 
return it. 

Hebrew (rising from seat in about the fifth row 
of orchestra) — You say the pocketbook contains 
one hundred dollars? 

Straight — Yes, the pocketbook contains one 
hundred dollars. 

Hebrew — And the owner offers fifty dollars to 
any one who will give it back? 

Straight — Yes, the owner offers fifty dollars 
to any one who will give it back. 

Hebrew— I'll bid fifty-five. 

Straight (beginning to get angry) — That's a 
fine way to disturb the performance. Who are 
you, anyhow? 

Hebrew — I'm a business man. 

Straight — I've a great mind to step down and 
pull your nose. 

Hebrew — Don't do it, mister; it's long enough 
already. 

Straight — Don't say another word. 

Hebrew — Why not? I'm making them laugh 
better than you are. 

Straight {sarcastically) — If you think you're a 
comedian, why not step up here on the stage? 

Hebrew — No, thanks. I don't want to die just 
yet. 

Straight — Oh, come up. I won't hurt you. 

Hebrew — There's no" more harm in you than 
there is in a bad oyster. 

Straight — Come up and I'll give you five dol- 
lars. 

Hebrew — That's different. (Steps on stage and 
takes the five dollars which Straight has been 

40 



holding out for him) — Why didn't you talk busi- 
ness right away? 

Straight — You love money, don't you? 

Hebrew — Not as much as my father. He'd give 
his right eye for fifty cents. 

Straight {sarcastically) — So your father would 
give his right eye for fifty cents? 

Hebrew — Yes, sir ; it's a glass eye and only cost 
him a quarter. 

Straight — Now that you have my five-dollar 
bill, what are you going to do with it? 

Hebrew — Find out if it's genuine. 

Straight — It's genuine all right. I've a great 
idea. 

Hebrew — Pickle it. It may be a hard Winter. 

Straight — Why not buy a trunk with it? 

Hebrew — A trunk, what for I should buy a 
trunk? 

Straight — To put your clothes in, of course. 

Hebrew — What, and* go naked? 

Straight — Where do you live? 

Hebrew — In Hoboken (localize). 

Straight— What part? 

Hebrew — All of me. 

Straight — I mean what part of Hoboken? 

Hebrew — On a hill. 

Straight — Look here. I don't like the way you 
answer my question. You're not on the level. 

Hebrew — No; I'm on a hill. And here's some- 
thing very peculiar. Last week a young man and 
a young woman walked up that same hill, and 
what's more, they never came back. 

Straight — What happened to them that they 
never came back. 

Hebrew — They went down on the other side. 

Straight — Do you know anything about fight- 
ing? 

Hebrew — I ought to, I've been married ten 
years. 

41 



Straight — I mean have you ever faced the 
enemy? 

Hebrew — Yes, sir. My wife's mother lives with 
us. 

Straight — I'll put the question to you in a dif- 
ferent way. Have you ever done picket duty? 

Hebrew — Sure; every Saturday my wife buys 
a chicken and I have to pick it. 

Straight — I'm afraid you're an ignoramus. 

Hebrew — If you're so smart perhaps you can 
tell me how to get the cork out of the neck of 
a bottle without breaking the bottle or pulling 
the cork out. 

Straight — That's a poser ; how can you get the 
cork out of a bottle without breaking the bottle 
or pulling the cork out. 

Hebrew — Pushing it in, of course. 

Straight (suddenly assuming military manner) 
— Attention Arms! (Hebrew, absent-mindedly 
does military salute.) Ah, then you do know 
something about being a soldier. 

Hebrew — Posalutely. 

Straight — Where did you learn those military 
tactics ? 

Hebrew — I fought in the "Spinach" War. 

Straight — For all I know you may be a hero. 

Hebrew — Sure I am. Once I made two thousand 
Spanish soldiers run. 

Straight (impulsively shaking Hebrew's hand) 
— So you made two thousand Spanish soldiers 
run. 

Hebrew — Yes, I run and they run after me. 

(Straight drops Hebrews hand in disgust.) 

Straight — Speaking of army heroes, what is 
your favorite General? 

Hebrew — General Merchandise. 

Straight — Why. my dear man, there's no con- 
nection between business and warfare. 

Hebrew — Oh, I don't know. Getting business 

42 



is quite a battle nowadays. 

Straight (approaching closer to Hebrew and 
speaking confidentially)— And now I'll tell you 
a little secret. 

Hebrew— You're broke? 

Straight— No. 

Hebrew — You're cracked? 

Straight— No. I also fought in the Spanish 

War. 

Hebrew — You don't give it a say? 

Straight— Yes, I was behind Koosevelt. 

Hebrew — How many miles behind? 

Straight— Nothing like that. I was in the spot 
where the bullets were the thickest. 

Hebrew— Oh, under the ammunition wagon. 

Straight— No, sir. The minute I faced the 
enemy, they fled. 

Hebrew— Your face is enough to scare anybody. 

Straight — One day I almost met with a fatal 
accident. A bullet struck me in the head, but for- 
tunately it didn't penetrate my skull. 

Hebrew — It couldn't. 

Straight— Why not? 

Hebrew— Because a bullet can't go through 

ivory. 

Straight (threateningly)— Say, do you want to 
get your head knocked off? 

Hebrew — Not unless you agree to put it on 
again. 

Straight (aside)— If I get into a fight with 
this man on the stage, the manager will fine me, 
so I better humor him. (To Hebrew) — How 
would you like a political job where you can make 
two hundred dollars a week? 

Hebrew — Honest ? 

Straight— What do you care as long as you 

get it. 

Hebrew— I'm afraid I might "get it good." 
Straight — Or perhaps you would rather become 

43 



superintendent of my cigar orchard? 

Hebrew — Your what? 

Straight — My cigar orchard. It's just outside 
of Cincinapolis, where the Chicago Ocean empties 
into the Atlantic River. There I have two thou- 
sand cigar-bearing trees, not to speak of a lot of 
cigarette vines and chewing-gum bushes and 
other articles not to be mentioned at present. 

Hebrew — What do I have to do? 

Straight — The work is really very simple. As 
the cigars become ripe you reach up into the trees 
and pick them. 

Hebrew — That's a new way of getting cigars. 

Straight — What do you mean — a new way? 

Hebrew — Up to now when I wanted a cigar I 
always had to stoop for it. 

Straight — Those days have passed. No more 
shall any one step on your fingers when you wish 
a cigar. 

Hebrew — But suppose the cigars are too high 
up for me to reach? 

Straight — In that case you climb a cigar ladder. 

Hebrew — I suppose that grows on a ladder 
tree. 

Straight — Certainly not ; a cigar ladder is made 
out of "ropes." 

Hebrew — Oh, cheap cigars. 

Straight — No. Please pay attention. These 
cigar trees are two feet apart. 

Hebrew — My feet or your feet? 

Straight (impatiently) — What's the difference? 

Hebrew — About eleven inches. 

Straight — Furthermore, between the cigar trees 
are planted rows of coupon bushes. 

Hebrew — And each time I pick a cigar I get a 
coupon. 

Straight — You'll get a poke in the eye if you 
interrupt me again. But here's one thing I must 
warn vou against. Every morning at five o'clock, 

44 



just as the clock strikes seven, my cigar orchard 
is overrun by wild women dressed in the same 
manner as was Eve in the Garden of Eden. 

Hebrew — I'm going to like this job. 

Straight — But the minute these wild women 
see any one approach they run away, as they have 
no clothes on and don't know where they can get 
any. 

Hebrew — Why don't they put on some of the 
cigar wrappers? 

Straight — That's not a bad idea. I'll suggest 
it to them. 

Hebrew — Oh, let me do it. 

Straight— Well, how do you think you'll like 
the job? 

Hebrew — Great ; already I can see myself lying 
under the coupon bushes while the cigars in the 
trees above are playing soft music. 

Straight — One minute. How do you expect the 
cigars to play music? 

Hebrew — That will be furnished by the cigar 
bands. 

Straight (after looking cautiously around) — 
And now for the dangerous part. 

Hebrew — I knew there was something unpleas- 
ant connected with it. 

Straight — Whatever you do, never let a ripen- 
ing cigar know beforehand that you are going to 
pick it off the tree. 

Hebrew — I shouldn't telephone it or send it a 
wireless telemespatch ? 

Straight — Certainly not; otherwise, the cigar 
might bite you. Have you ever been bitten by a 
cigar? 

Hebrew — No, but I have often been "stung" by 
one. 

Straight — You may not realize it, but there is 
lots of money in owning a cigar orchard. This 
season I expect to clear $50,000. Next season 

45 



1 shall plant another cigar orchard and that will 
land me among the millionaires. Then I'll plant 
another cigar orchard and that will land me in 
Congress. Then I will plant another cigar orchard, 
and do you know where that will land me? 
Hebrew — Yes, in the bughouse. 

(Both finish with parody or comic song.) 



A Novel Act for Two Men. 
THE DAYS GONE BY. 

Sidewalk Scene in "One" 

Straight — Who was that fine looking lady I saw 
you with yesterday? 

Eccentric — Oh, that was my sweetheart, Miss 
Happy. 

Straight — What's Miss Happy's full name? 

Eccentric — She never gets full. 

Straight — I mean, what's her entire name? 

Eccentric — Helen B. Happy. 

Straight — Oh, Helen B. Happy. 

Eccentric — Yes, Helen B. Happy. 

Straight — Society girl? 

Eccentric — No, Helen works for a living. 

Straight — I've got a sweetheart who idles away 
her time, and as a consequence she's very discon- 
tented. 

Eccentric — I know a cure. 

Straight— What is it? 

Eccentric — Let her work like Helen B. Happy. 

Straight — That'll be about all. Is your sweet- 
heart very affectionate? 

Eccentric — "Vewy." This morning she gave me 
a kiss over the telephone. 

Straight — What was it like? 

Eccentric — Like having a dollar in your mind. 

Straight — Where is your sweetheart employed? 

Eccentric — In a fur store. 

Straight — I must call on her some time. Do 

46 



you think she'll give me a nice reception? 

Eccentric— Oh, yes. She's used to dealing with 

"skins." 

Straight— On second thought, it might make my 

sweetheart jealous. 

Eccentric— Is your sweetheart that very homely 
girl you were talking to this morning? 

Straight— She may be homely on the outside, 
but she is beautiful within. 

Eccentric— Then why don't you have her turned 

inside out? 

Straight— At least, my sweetheart has a won- 
derful complexion. Besides that, she shows me 
a great deal of love-and, best of all, it's genuine. 

Eccentric— What is— her complexion? 

Straight— No, her love. . 

Eccentric— How about her complexion? 

Straight— Don't worry about her complexion. 
Furthermore, she is very fond of singing. But 
the only trouble is she's always off the key. 

Eccentric— Let her chew on a piece of tarred 
rope; then she'll always have the right pitch. 

Straight— Is it true that you bought a new car 

lately? 

Eccentric— Quite correct. 
Straight— What kind? Runabout? 
Eccentric— Yes, runs about three blocks and 

then stops. 

Straight— Does it run by gasoline .' 

Eccentric — No. 
Straight— Electricity ? 

Eccentric — No. 

Straight— Then what does it run by .' 
Eccentric— Fits and starts. 
Straight— Perhaps you don't know how to op- 
erate a machine. . . 
Eccentric— Perhaps not. I used to work in a 

47 



bank and know very little about machinery. 

Straight — If you worked in a bank, perhaps you 
can tell me the correct meaning of some every-day 
banking terms. 

Eccentric — With the greatest of animosity. 

Straight — What are the duties of the paying 
teller? 

Eccentric — He's the man who pays out the 
money. 

Straight — And the receiving teller? 

Eccentric — He's the man who takes in the 
money. 

Straight — And the cashier? 

Eccentric — He's the guy who gets away with 
the money. 

Straight — Suppose I put some money in the 
bank today. Could I draw it out again tomorrow? 

Eccentric — Yes, if you give them two weeks' 
notice. 

(Eccentric looks out towards audience.) 

Straight — Who are you looking for? 

Eccentric — My grandfather promised to be in 
the audience today. (Looks again.) 

Straight — Do you see him? 

Eccentric (Pointing to any spot in audience) — 
Yes, there's grandfather now. 

Straight — I got an idea. Let's tell a few of the 
old jokes he used to enjoy when he was a boy, and 
make him feel at home. 

Eccentric — That's a good idea. We'll tell him 
some "Smith Brothers" jokes. 

Straight — And what kind of jokes are "Smith 
Brothers" jokes? 

Eccentric — Jokes with whiskers on them. 

Straight — Alright, are you ready ? 

Eccentric — Let her go. 

Straight — You're looking happy. 

Eccentric — I'm feeling happy. I was just down 
to the pond and saw a frog croaking. 

48 



Straight — Why should that make you happy? 

Eccentric — -I'm glad it was the frog that was 
croaking and not me. 

Straight — Where is you brother these days ? 

Eccentric — Downtown, learning to drill. 

Straight — Ah, then he is going to be a soldier? 

Eccentric — No, a dentist. 

Straight — Didn't I see you take your dog into a 
dentist's office the other day? 

Eccenric — Yes, my dog had a hole in one of his 
teeth and I got it filled with tin. 

Straight — Why didn't you get it filled with sil- 
ver, it's just as cheap? 

Eccentric — I know it, but tin makes a better 
"growler." 

Straight — Speaking of dogs, I've got the cutest 
baby brother you ever saw. Although only nine 
months old, he says "papa and mamma" as plain 
as anybody. 

Eccentric — That's nothing. My brother said 
the cutest thing last week. 

Straight — What was it? 

Eccentric — When he heard me mention Wash- 
ington he said "First in war, first in peace — and 
last in the American League." 

Straight — How old is your brother? 

Eccentric — Twenty-eight years. By the way, I 
had a conversation with my sweetheart's father 
this morning. 

Straight — What did you talk about? 

Eccentric — About fifteen minutes. 

Straight — No, no ; I mean, what did you and her 
father talk over? 

Eccentric — Over the telephone. The old gent 
complained of rheumatism. 

Straight — They say getting stung by a bee is a 
cure for rheumatism. 

Eccentric — Is that so ? 

Straight — Were you ever stung by a bee? 

49 



Eccentric— No, but I've been stung by a 
"chicken." 

Straight— I hate to see you pull off these cheap 
jokes about the fair sex, when woman has done 
more for this country than man. 

Eccentric — And I say man has done more for 
this country. Wasn't it a man, Christopher Col- 
umbus, who discovered America? 

Straight— Yes, but don't forget that it was a 
woman, Queen Isabella, who pawned all her jewel- 
ry to raise the money with which to buy the ships. 

Eccentric— Yes, but how about the poor sucker 
that gave her the jewelry? 

Straight— There's a city in Massachusetts 
named after you — Marblehead. 

Eccentric — Yes, and there's a town in New 
Jersey named after you — Nutley. 

Straight— You've done a lot of traveling in your 

time? 

Eccentric — Yes, indeed. 

Straight — Then, perhaps, you can tell me what 
is the best way to go to Yonkers? (localize.) 

Eccentric — Dead. 

Straight — By the way, what time is it? 

Eccentric (looking at watch) — Just three 
o'clock. (Mention wrong time.) 

Straight— Are you sure that's correct? 

Eccentric— I set my watch by the big clock in 
the Insane Asylum. 

Straight — I don't think that clock is right. 

Eccentric — If it was right, it wouldn't be there. 

Straight — I notice there are lots of foreigners 
in this town. 

Eccentric — Yes, even the trolley cars are run by 

"poles." 

Straight — They tell me that in Brooklyn before 
a man can wheel a baby carriage, he must take out 
a license. 

Eccentric — Yes, a marriage license. 

50 



Straight — By the way, perhaps you can tell me 
what's the quickest way to get to a hospital? 

Eccentric — Go among a crowd of Americans 
and shout "Kamerad." 

Straight — Not while I value my good health. 

Eccentric — By the way, I had an argument this 
morning with a friend of mine. 

Straight — Perhaps I can settle it for you. 

Eccentric — What must you be to get buried 
with military honors? 

Straight — You must be a general. 

Eccentric — Then I lose; I said you had to be 
dead. 

Straight — If George Washington were alive to- 
day, do you think he would be elected President? 

Eccentric — I do not. 

Straight — Not enough of a politician, eh ? 

Eccentric — That isn't the reason. 

Straight — Then what is the reason? 

Eccentric — He'd be too old. By the way, do 
you remember a few years ago when everybody 
used to play Ping Pong? 

Straight — I never played that game. 

Eccentric — It was lots of fun. You and your 
girl would both try to hit the little ball and if you 
missed it you'd both look for it under the table. 

Straight — Yes, but where was the fun ? 

Eccentric — Under the table. 

Straight — Quit giving me those flip answers. 
What are you, anyhow? 

Eccentric — Nothing. 

Straight — I bet you don't even know the mean- 
ing of the word "nothing." 

Eccentric — Suppose you define it for me. 

Straight — Why, certainly, I will. What is it we 
fear more than death ? Nothing. What does the 
rich man want, the poor man hasn't got, the miser 
spends, the spendthrift saves? Nothing. And 
when we die what do we take with us to the grave? 

51 



isnjLL 



Nothing. 

Eccentric — You're all wrong, Fido, that isn^ 
the meaning of "nothing." 

Straight — Perhaps you can give me a better 
nition. 

Eccentric — Certainly I can. What is it we fear 
more than 'life? The rent collector. What is it 
we fear more than death? Funeral expenses. 
What does the rich man want? More money. 
What has the poor man got ? Plenty of children. 
What does the miser spend? A lot of time. What 
does the spendthrift save? Tobacco coupons. 
And now comes the hard one. What will you take 
with you when you die ? 

Straight — Well, what will I take with me when 
I die? 

Eccentric — A clean night shirt. 

(Finish with parody or song.) 



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